Thank you, "Weird" Al Yankovic!

BWAA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

When I saw this over on Simcha Fisher's blog, I laughed myself into a coughing fit. Enjoy!

Further Proof That I'm a Nerd and a Geek

I put on another John Woo action film, 1993's Hard Target, starring Lance Hendriksen, Arnold Vosloo, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. This is Hendriksen's favorite movie, because Woo did not cut any of his character development scenes. Hendriksen runs a human hunting ring, and Vosloo is his number one heavy. Van Damme is a Cajun drifter helping Yancey Butler, whose father was one of Hendriksen's earlier trophies.

I laughed every bit as hard at this one as I did Mission: Impossible II. One of the set pieces demonstrates that Woo has been doing the absurd gun and motorcycle stunts that he put in M:I2 and made me laugh out loud and compare him to the Marx Brothers. It involved the hero standing on a motorcycle while shooting a pistol and driving straight at an SUV with a gunman returning fire, using a submachine gun, and leaping to vault over the SUV as it runs over the motorcycle. There's also a bunch of pigeons flying around at the climax, aparently another John Woo hallmark. The hero clearly has the Rambo Effect going for him (90% of shots fired at Short range or closer automatically miss), and he regularly pulls off all sorts of impossible shots himself. Woo's bullet squibs are impossibly pyrotechnical. Every single shot sends showers of magnesium sparks flying from the sets and props. Many of them send bits and pieces of the scenery flying around like rockets. As I said, absurdly funny.

So, have you ever had an inappropriate reaction to a movie? Would you like to tell me about it in the comments?

$8 Billion iPods

Ever get the feeling that when media distributors claim billions of dollars in losses they're just trying to screen their real motives?

Here's an examination of that argument.

Now, I'll be honest; I haven't investigated Rob Reid's information, but it seems largely reasonable. Anyone care to confirm his numbers, or supply better ones?

Blogrollin' on Real and False Marriage

Salute to Mark Shea, and his readers: 

VEGANS FOR FOOD EQUALITY
Inspired by the success of Catholics for Marriage Equality, a new group has formed: Vegans for Food Equality. Here is what they say:
After generations of silence, we Vegans are finally speaking out. We ourselves are devout believers in the virtue of fresh fruits and vegetables, but we see no reason to consider them superior to other foods.
We are ashamed that less enlightened Vegans have made disparaging remarks about deep fried chicken, corn-fed beef and creamy chocolate pies. We have family members who secretly eat those “forbidden” foods. They have been made to feel guilty when they stop for a fish taco or a Big Mac.
Now is the time to end all discrimination. One food should not be considered “better” than another.
To combat long-standing prejudice, Vegans for Food Equality will open a new Vegan restaurant in Seattle. Side by side with traditional vegan favorites, we will offer Denver omelets, chili dogs and real milk shakes.
Finally we appeal to our fellow Vegans to vote for a new law which will expand the meaning of “vegetable.” From now on vegetable will include anything you place in your mouth and swallow. This new law will not prevent old-fashioned Vegans from referring to carrots and broccoli as “vegetables.” It will simply expand the definition of vegetable to include sirloin steaks and cheddar cheese.

In case you missed the point (and it ain't subtle for us Catholics), what the homosex activist movement proposes to do to marriage is analogous to what  "Vegans for Food Equality" plan to do to vegetables.

Joyously stolen!

From xkcd, alt text and all:

Nolan Chart

Oh, woe!

How could I live without filing taxes?



The song is available for free download AND BROADCAST from the Center for Small Government.

Hot Diggety!!

I have just been added to Vir Speluncae Catholics' list of lay cave-dwellers! My traffic (which I refuse to track) is bound to increase. So, muchas gracias, Cavey!

If there's anything for which I pick on the Cavemen, it's a tendency not to display proper charity towards their enemies and God's (two lists with a lot of overlap). God wants us all converted and saved, even (especially!) those who hate Him.

If there is anything the Cavemen do for which I'm grateful, it is to express joyously the blessings of the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Rite. But for them, I might never have known.

I'm going over to Carolina Cannonball right now to put in my votes for her awards. The Cavemen definitely get my vote for "Best Church Militant Blog."

A Splendid LOL!

In case I haven't made it clear, LOLSaints has become one of my favorite blogs. This post should make it clear why; to get the joke, pay close attention to the color coding.

On Serving (because it's annoying me)

I've been reading Waiter Rant, a blog written by an anonymous fine dining waiter in New York. He's an excellent writer, if regularly more spicy with the language than is family-friendly. It's easiest to start at the beginning and click forward through his 430+ posts one at a time.

Part of the reason I enjoy the blog so much is that the Waiter is a very good writer. But part of it is also because I can relate. I waited tables for a half-dozen or so years. And as a result of reading all that the Waiter had to say, bunches of things have been burbling through my mind while I'm at work, relating to a job I haven't held for six or seven years.

Working for Tips:

I'm of the opinion that those service professionals who work for tips prefer it to a fixed wage. I certainly did. I wasn't a fabulous waiter, but I was fairly good and I did enjoy it. There is satisfaction in knowing you are helping others have a better time, in knowing you are doing a good job, in being a sales professional, and in knowing you have earned the money you've made.

The whole point of working for tips is this: it gives the service pro a direct and powerful incentive to put his patron's wishes first. This is good business sense for both the server and the owners. Any business does best by developing continuing relationships with loyal customers. Such relationships are made by providing good service and good products. Putting the server's compensation directly in the hands of those they serve makes it far more likely that the server will seek to provide good service.

The reason that good service deserves a 20% tip in fine dining restaurants is that the server is required to tip the barkeep and the bussers, and sometimes the hostess and the cooks, for at least 5% of his sales, regardless of what you leave for him. I worked in family restaurants with no bars, so for me that wasn't an issue and 15% was regarded as a solid tip, but in many other places that's not how it will be.

Evangelizing servers:

I have a deep Christian faith, and I laud anyone who is trying to win souls for Christ. I have never, ever seen a tract left for the server do so. I understand your mindset; what could be better for your server than salvation and resting eternally in the Beatific Vision? But it fails because you are leaving two witnesses, which are contradictory.

On the one hand, the tract tells the server, "I love you and want the most wonderful of things to happen for you!" Yet every tract I've ever seen left for a server has always come with either a stingy tip or no tip at all. And so the witness of the tract is contradicted by the witness of the tip.

With a stingy tip, you tell your server these things:

• I do not value your work, no matter how sasisfying you find it to help people enjoy the blessings of God's creation.
  
• I do not value your service, no matter what Jesus said about how his followers should become servants.
  
• I do not value you, either.
  
• It is stinginess that is next to Godliness, not generousity.
  

With that witness, you give scandal. You lead your server to the sin of holding Christ and His followers in contempt. You give your server reason to think that Christians are all sanctimonious hypocrites who can mouth prayers one minute, treat others badly the next, and never feel a twinge of conscience. You convince him that Christians are not known by their love. I do not know a single service professional who would not rather serve a generous pimp than a stingy preacher.

Sometimes, the tract is printed to resemble a large, folded bill. That is infuriating enough, but such tracts nearly always chide the server for wanting money, as if the worker was not worthy of his wage! It adds insult to injury.

If you truly wish to have the witness of your tract bear fruit, make sure that your generousity to those not saved shows in your tip.

Advice to Servers:

You're actually a sales professional. As such, it behooves you to not antagonize those whom you depend upon to provide your product and serve your patrons. This particularly includes everyone in the back of the house.

One thing you can do to reduce friction is to remember this: if your patron asks, all annoyed, "Why is it taking so long?", they do not care why their food is taking so long. What they really want to know, and what you should ask the cook, is this: "Table X wants to know, how long for their food?" With that information, you can tell your table what they really want to know, which is when they will eat. Patrons get be much less stressed when you calmly tell them, "We are having some difficulties in the kitchen, and I am sorry, but you should have your food in X minutes."

I would help the cooks any way I could if they were in trouble.

I avoided cussing. There was a cook I worked with, and he used foul language like punctuation in ordinary conversation, and most of us couldn't tell when the cussing went from punctuation to expressions of frustration. On the other hand, I had merely to snarl, "Dog's blood!" and two or three of my coworkers asked me what help I needed.

Finally, a sales professional gets wealthy by developing and cutlivating a regular clientele. Your goal is to wow your customers with such fabulous service that they return often, ask for your section, and tip heavily each and every time. Some customers will never be generous, no matter how good you are. As long as they aren't making things bad for other patrons, consider being as good to them as you can, as an expression of Christian charity or an act of penance.

Too Funny to Not Post

So the Whapsters have posted a bunch of Catholic-specific two cows jokes. I've compiled them here, along with those from their comment box. I was laughing myself silly, reading these.

Franciscan: You have two cows. Moved by the beauty of sister cow, you unleash them. Your ensuing lack of milk allows you to glory in the poverty of Christ.

Capuchins: You have the two cows unleashed by the Franciscans. Your proprietorship of the cows proves that you are closer to the spirit of St. Francis. You put long hoods on your cows.

Franciscan Friars of the Renewal: You have two cows. They are grey, more like the cows St. Francis owned. You write a rap somehow rhyming "lactation" with "transubstantiation." It's cool.

Carmelite: By concession of Pope Innocent IV, you have two cows. You don’t eat them between Sept. 14 and Easter.

Discalced Carmelite: You have two cows. You feed them by arduously dragging hay to their trough, but then you deliver it by truck. Ultimately, abundant hay falls effortlessly from the sky.

Benedictine: You have two cows. You use one to preserve the art of animal husbandry for all time. You kill the other and make intricate, colored markings on its hide.

Dominican: You have two cows. You feel as if you should share one with the Franciscans, but can’t bring yourself to trust them with it.

Dominican, ver 2: You had two cows. Then you had a good meal. Now you have a new book written on vellum.

I also looked in my Dominican library, and found Aquinas' work:

Summa Taurologica: (De Res)

Article 1: Whether the bovine essence is always expressed as two individuated cows?

Objection one: The Musician often asked for "more cowbell." Yet he does not ever ask for more than one cowbell. Therefore bovinity is expressed in one individuated being.

Objection two: The Announcer argued at every game that there was a "Holy Cow!" This is because cowness is sufficient in itself and does not need multiplicity.

Objection three: The Boy also argues that one should "Not have a cow." We witness again the singularity of bovinity.

Sed contra: The Prophet Amos warns us: "Listen, you fat cows of Bashan!" (Amos 4:1). He argues in the plural, thus speaking to more than one.

I argue that, while bovinity can indeed be expressed in an individuated essence, the true completeness of the bovine is best expressed in two cows: namely, an older cow for milk and all your regular carnivore expressions of butcher cuts, and a young cow for veal. Thus, the perfection of the cow is best expressed in two individuated cows, yet each cow contains the essence of cowness, or the potential for succulence.

Reply to objection one: This is because there was only one musician worthy of the skill of playing the cowbell in the band at any one time. If a trio of skilled cowbell musicians were assembled, we'd have more cowbells.

Reply to objection two: Although the Holy Cow is one, it covers a multiplicity of events on the diamond, from a home run to a triple play, so analogically, we could argue for different cows, expressed equivocally in the word "cow."

Reply to objection three: The Boy is speaking metaphorically.

Cistercian: You have a more extraordinary method of procuring milk.

Carthusian: You should have two cows, but they never made it to the Grand Chartreuse as they kept mixing up the difference between "Cistercian" and "Carthusian."

Carthusian, ver. 2: You have two cows. Each has its own little barn. They moo only on Sundays, between 3.00pm and 5.00pm.

Trappist: You have two cows. You do not appreciate their mooing, yet require their milk to craft high quality fudge. You assign them to a novice.

Society of Jesus: You have two cows, but everyone from Louis XIV to Pastor Luke at 1st Community Baptist believe you control the cattle industry. Admittedly, you founded many farms in the bovine tradition, but struggle with what bovinity means in the 21st century.

The De LaSalle Christian Brothers: You have two cows. You sought them out and adopted them after the Jesuits threw them out of their educational field. Ideally, the cows will realize their milk is a gift from God, and their vocation is to share that milk with others for the common good of society.

Opus Dei: You have two donkeys, and tend to them very carefully. You never admit that you engage in this work, but are delighted to meet other covert donkey owners.

Opus Dei, ver. 2: You have two cows. You put one cow in a barn, the walls of which you decorate with pictures of the cow's father and its other ancestors. You send the other cow on the street and tell it to try to "blend in". The second cow comes back to the barn every week in order to get milked by the first cow.

Communion and Liberation: You have two cows, and bring them to huge annual gatherings. You speak to them only in the present tense.

St. Egidio: You gather two cows together in a very old barn and reflect on Scripture. Other cows begin to come, too. You sell their milk for third world debt relief.

Augustinian: Posthumously, two cows claim you as their owner. One of them burns down the northern half of the barnyard.

Salesian: You have no cows, but work to improve the welfare of calves orphaned by factory farming. You are a visionary when it comes to cattle futures.

Salesian, ver. 2: You have two cows. You teach them to stop swearing and to juggle. In turn, they find more cows, teach them to stop swearing and to juggle, then bring them back to you so you can share the love of Christ with all the cows and their calves.

Priestly Society of St. Peter (FSSP): You have two cows. While acknowledging the legitimacy of modern farming methods, you prefer your own cows to develop organically.

Mercedarian: You had two cows. Long ago they were captured by infidels. They began to convert to avoid being made into shawarma. A ransom consisting of coins and a few novices was sent and the cows came back. Nowadays you teach their descendants.

Society of St. Pius X: You have two cows. You raise them precisely according to USDA standards, c. 1950. One cow denies that the USDA exists and runs off to take care of itself.

CMRI: There have been no true cows since 1958.

Sede vacantist: You have a cow and an ass. You dress the ass as a cow, and proclaim him as the only true cow. You spend the rest of your time insulting your cow.

Knights of Columbus: You have two cows. You teach your cows the secret handshake and they carry prolife sandwich boards at the next march. Later, they will be popular at the annual barbecue.

Norbertine (Premonstratensian, or "White Canon): You have two cows. You and all your confreres refer to them as "kine." You are baffled when other people have no idea what you are talking about.

Neocatechumenal Way - you have two cows that you nurture to a very high degree, then you send them to missionary barns in foreign countries.

Oratorian: You have two cows. You stand them up in a field and tip them over periodically.

Knights Templar: You have two cows. Forward the bovinary!!

Knights of the Garter: You have two cows, of such surpassing beauty, pomp, and elite grace as have never been seen before. All other cows aspire to belong in this herd.

Knights Hospitaler: You have two cows, which are the only source of food for holy pilgrims. Prepare to defend them from the surrounding envious infidels.

Knights of the Swan: You have two cows. They are almost but not quite as beautiful and gracious as those of the Knights of the Garter. They are unfortunately not waterproof...

Usus Antiquior fans: You have a bos taurus. You have two of it. Their barn is facing east. You must light six candles (maybe seven!) when you milk them.

Holy Cross: You have two cows. One of them was recruited by the farms Michigan and Penn State run, but stuck with you because he wanted a high-quality education. The other is planning to go to Uganda after spending a few years at your farm in order to spread the message and spirit of your farm to less fortunate cows.

Congregatio a Sancta Cruce: You see two cows. You work on their footwork and put them on the offensive line.

Legionaries of Christ: You have two cows. You groom them meticulously and feature them in glossy publications to attract more cows to your farm. And don't you say anything bad about the farm's founder.

Catholic Worker: You don't have two cows. And even if you did, you wouldn't consider them yours.

Womenpriests International: You have two bulls. You have a ceremony on a boat and tell everyone that they're really cows now. No milk, but plenty of bull....

"Spirit of Vatican II": You are two cows. One strums a guitar while the other shakes a tambourine. Rearrange the pews.

Proof I'm a Nerd AND a Geek

I have just classed John Woo with the Marx Brothers for command of utterly absurd humor.

As that deserves just a bit of explanation, Mission: Impossible 2 is on the telly, and I'm watching Ethan Hunt (the Tom Cruise character) violate the laws of dynamics and probability, and laughing because it's so silly.

The Dawkins Delusion

I found this comment on an article on Catholic Exchange that I liked so much that I am quoting it in its entirety.

I think we are being bamboozled by the Dawkins Delusion. I have never seen Mr. Dawkins, all I know about him is from a particularly inane book that has his name on the cover. How do we even know he is a real person, not some media creation like Milli Vanilli? No one has proved his existence to my satisfaction. I will not accept eye witness accounts of people who claim to know him or to have seen and heard him, nor will I judge him by the book associated with his name, because I have no proof it was issued on his authority. If I don't believe he exists obviously I don't have to believe anything the book says. The credentials claimed by this "author" include claims of associations with prestigious universities and top names in science. It is entirely absurd to suppose that anyone with those credentials could have propounded such an illogically framed and eratically defended thesis. No, I refuse to be deluded. There is no Richard Dawkins. He is a figment of your imagination.
Submitted by asquared on Sat, 10/13/2007 - 2:13am.

If anyone does it better....

I haven't seen it in a long time. I'm speaking of this article originally posted on Catholic Exchange, by Mark Shea. His satirical skewering of Professionally Aggrieved Grievance Professionals is utterly hilarious! Nor does he spare William Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights. Favorite bits:

It turned out the protestors were what the dominant Europhallocentric Hegemony calls "wrong"...

Here in the US, this peculiar willingness to scrape before the sensitivities of the Professionally Aggrieved has created a rich mulch of bureaucrats, pundits, and various members of the Chattering Classes who have shown themselves singularly well-disposed to lick the hand of violent Muslim thugs in spaniel-like obsequies even as they piddle on the floor in outrage over the imminent imposition of theocracy at the hands of some bogeyman compact of damp-handed bishops, Evangelical soccer moms, gun-toting members of the Hallelujah Bible Church of NASCAR and a couple of Republican Jews.